Saturday, 21 June 2014

Thinking about a revolution.. harder than starting one...

In the last week I've felt increasingly like I'm unfocussed, unsure of myself and not sure of what I want.

Why?

I spent a fantastic two days in Wellington.

I met with MPs and talked Educational policies.

I discussed some of the big issues we are dealing with in schools.

I met with an author and discussed my great uncles achievements and our whakapapa.

I got excited about the premiere and release of 'What we do in the Shadows' and got some good resources of the film from a Wellington cafe for my class.

I engaged with school PD on reflective practice.

I took one of our PRT's with me to an #eduignite evening in Hamilton and caught up on the #edchatnz feed when I got home via a friend's fantastic Storify.

So what's the problem?

I feel behind in everything I'm doing. My classes are going well and I'm teaching well I think but I am not following the course outline enough. I don't know where everyone else is up to. I don't know if I'm marking right. I don't know whether I'm helping or making it worse.

I feel the consistent pile of things to do slowly crushing me.

I feel the inspiration ebbing out of me. Others say I inspire them but it makes me feel weird.. because I want to inspire others but want inspiration too. I want more time to become inspired and need time to create more interesting lessons.

Despite starting a new blog this week for my creative writing, I don't have the time to get it started properly.

I want to continue doing all of the extra-curricular stuff I'm doing but feel like it's pulling me down.

I want to go to as many conferences as possible and I'm going to three in the next holidays - PPTA Maori Teachers conf, NZATE English Teachers conf and lastly presenting at the CLESOL one  in Wellington via webcam so am counting that one as another.

I'm also going to the #edchatnz conf in August and am definitely excited about it.
I want to go to ULearn14 and have been thinking about crowdsourcing my application fee. I think I should show my principal my proposal even though it wasn't accepted by the DP in charge of PD. It is crazy expensive and I doubt I can save the money in time so may have to go to the bank or worse somewhere else to get it funded. It's an amazing opportunity and I see it as an investment in myself.

I feel like I've lost my way a little and know that in a couple of days I'll look back at this post and this week and laugh. Because the reality is.. it is so much to do with workload and stress and feeling like I've given my all and it's still not 'enough'.

It's stressful knowing that there is only one real teaching term left. I worry that my classes aren't ready. That I'm not ready. That I have somewhere, somehow lost my edge.

I am so thankful to my colleagues on Thursday afternoon for snapping me out of my little hole I'd created for myself. I'm thankful for the opportunity to share ideas at last night's Connected Rotorua session. I'm thankful for the fact that my students are overwhelmingly amazing and my PLN too. I'm thankful that the dog still nudges me for hugs despite the long hours I put in at school and thankful to the cat who purrs in my arms rather than ignoring me for my attention of the crazy dog rather than him. I'm thankful to my friends who put up with the long distances and lengths between catching up. Same too with my family who wait patiently til I come home and see them. I'm thankful to those who came before me and those who are still to come.

Mostly though.. I'm thankful that tomorrow is another day and hopefully after today's rest and relaxation I will feel a hell of a lot better and will be back to myself.

And above all else. I must realise I can't change everything and that patience is the key to virtue. I need to stop getting frustrated and just accept things for how they are and continue what I'm doing to continue the process of change regardless of whether there is any percieved uptake. I am making a difference. I am changing things. I hope it is helpful and I hope that it is kind. I hope I'm able to inspire myself to stop feeling useless. I hope that this post was useful.