Pivot

After my crash, I sat on the side of my bed, middle of the night, lights off, bawling my eyes out. Riley was asleep in my bed. I tried to bawl quietly. 

I knew then, that it was time. To step out and away from education as it was. As it is right now. 

I cried for the imminent break-up with education. With the system. With my need to do what my tūpuna have been telling me for years to do. 

A wairua decision and a long held one... For many years. That it was finally time to step aside and let the next teacher come in. 

The main issue with this plan -- is that there aren't many new teachers. And barely any teachers coming in to apply at our kura, in our town. 

I'm worried for my students - the incessant stream of relievers. 

I chose the 22nd Aug which will give me time with the kids before I leave. 

I'm worried about my staff and colleagues I'm leaving behind -- so I'm creating new lessons, plans and resources. 

I'm worried about my whanau who are worried about me. Because I broke the poverty mindset cycle. And I made changes. But now - it's time for me to make a change so I'm happier and living my dream. 

I'm excited that now I can step fully into my dream job, make it actually happen and build my future reality and pivot - HARD. 

I'm excited that now I can connect with my real purpose and engaging with our community to uplift everyone. 

But, I have to start with me. 

I made the decision to resign. It did not come lightly. I will not go back into traditional education... For a time... Maybe ever. I need something more for now. 

And so do our students. 

Our students deserve better - always. 

And so -- I take my leave, bowing out, thankful for all the growth, the lessons and the people I met along the way. 

Follow us on Ōpōtiki Rangatahi Pā for our next adventure 💜

Reconnecting with my Why...

It's been a while, hey. 

Recently I was reminded about the power of WHY. 

Why I chose to become a teacher...

Why I continue to be a teacher...

And an ongoing thought - that I've lost my mojo. 

I simply don't enjoy being front and centre anymore. I feel like I'm putting on an act that has been so overdue to be cancelled that I don't know why it continues. 

Me. 

When I first started teaching - I was eager asf. I wanted to change the world. I thought I was. Every day. Every single class. Every tauira. 

Over time, I started to see the reality. That there are good days and bad days. More often than not - there are bad days that become bad seasons and then sometimes when there is a glimmer of hope ... And other times when that hope is so bright that it blocks out all of the possible dark clouds looming...

My love for teaching is still there... Dormant I guess. 

When people ask - I always say I love teaching. And I do. 

What other profession can you get so excited about, encourage others to grow and also scold in the same bloody second? 😂🤦‍♀️ 

I just miss the old me. The girl with the stars in her eyes. The one who never backed down from a challenge. The girl who looked into the face of her enemies and thought strategically how to best solve solutions. 

I feel like the fight in me has gone. Like I've just accepted that there isn't much at all I can do. That I actually have no power over myself or my own space. 

Someone asked me recently if I felt undermined or that I'd become disempowered. And totally. There's definitely those feelings there. 

But to give up, run off and restart? I just don't have the energy. 

And I don't think I have the energy to keep going either. 

This year is my eleventh year teaching. 

I remember when we talked about the fourth year being the hardest... To make it to five years in teaching - in this climate ... Was something short of extraordinary. 

I made it this far. 

Four pracs, two failed, two passed - both in which I understood how racism and power play was systemic in school systems and structures. 

Three schools. All with their own pros and cons. 

I feel like I'm at a cross roads. 

Like I don't know what the next step is. 

We're smackbang in the middle of Term 3. 

Three years in with our old pal Covid-19 and the ongoing effect it is having in our education of the next generation. 

It's hard. Every single day. Masks, mandates, vaccines, sanitising surfaces, stress about sneezes and coughs, ensuring safety and open windows in spite of the cold weather. 

It's a daily struggle. Day in, day out. 

Add in the turbulent mental health of both teachers and students, whanau and our community...

The ever decreasing levels of literacy...

The ever increasing expectations from the community and our BOT to make shifts and improve our data

The overwhelming pressure of never being able to catch up or succeed. 

The serious stress resounding every single corridor, corner and classroom. 

It's a surprise we even have teachers left in the field as it is. 

Having given up lots of my extra responsibilities over the last year and a bit ... NZATE, PPTA, De Luxe Theatre, etc etc etc.... I am trying to reconnect with me. What I want... Who I want to be. 

I once had aspirations of becoming a principal. 

But I've realised that even as a principal - you still wouldn't be able to elicit real change. 

It makes me so cynical.

What is it that I can actually achieve myself? 

Who have I even made a difference for in the end? 

I honestly just feel like I've lost my why. I've forgotten what it is that I want and where I want to go. 

I'm just going with the motions and hoping for the best at the moment. 

I never wanted to be this person. Sure, I wanted the success, the financial stability of having bought my first home, the honour and privilege of having tauira who listen and engage with me. But what does it all account for? 

What does it all really mean? Who am I really benefitting right now as a teacher?

My one saving grace at the moment is my Drama class. They're amazing. They remind me to have fun and get excited again about teaching. I'm excited to have more drama fun with my mate RS. She is freaking phenomenal and an absolute superstar. Hopefully we do get to do some tean teaching next year in the music, drama and acting space. 

I recently talked to someone about me being their constant reset button. That they only come to see me when they need to be redirected in their life. 

I've just realised that by me not writing my thoughts out for so long - I've left all these thoughts to crowd my creativity and stop myself from being my best self. Why did I stop writing? 

I got busy. 

Riley.

Crystel. 

Life. 

But writing is still and always will be my passion. 

Gardening has been helping recently too. I just need to keep going. 

And write more. 

Reconnect with my why. ♥️

End of Year Reflections - 10th --> 11th Year Teaching

Ugh. Feeling thankful asf right now. Reflecting at the end of my 10th -->11th year of teaching. 

Thankful to my Massey High whanau for supporting me in my first couple years teaching and being the beautiful role models I needed in my life. 

Thankful to the Heights whanau for your support, love and light in EVERYTHING that went on for me in those six years. You guys got me and knew my passions and what I wanted out of life. You guys agitated and inspired me to grow and aspire to achieve new challenges and experience heaps of different opportunities. You saw the darkness and the light and helped me navigate ♥️ even if at times it was via brute force and telling me to go home instead of staying at kura for aaaaaages 😂

Thankful to the OC whanau ♥️ for understanding the complex family dynamics and supporting me through these last three years. For encouraging me to give myself love and support and for reminding me to take a moment for myself, rather than putting all my energy into everyone and everything else. 

To my English Dept - whuuu -- you wahine are AMAZEBALLS. Love you all so much. I'm always so excited with all the ideas and planning and discussion we have. 2022 is going to be an awesome year. 

To all the colleagues and kaiako mates from across the country and around the world - THANKYOU ♥️ your aroha and support mean everything. Ngā mihi e te whanau ♥️

Reflection - Term 2 (Post-Covid)

I love our house spaces. The way the kids interact and communicate together has still got a long way to go but they're growing stronger together. There are connections and ongoing support. 

My English team are still so awesome. They literally turned into flipped classroom teachers over Covid and then into blended teachers during Term 2. They set work for SDL (self-directed learning) and used Education Perfect, different resources. I myself somehow got my Y12 students through their film study over Covid and Term 2. We are still catching up. But we're getting there.

I hear often from myself and the students saying... If Covid hadn't happened, we would have been fine, on track, there would have been less stress. 

But in reality - Covid forced us to take a step backwards and re-evaluate. 

Thinking about all that we've achieved, during lockdown and over Term 2 is incredible. Yes, according to our Programmes of Learning, we're behind schedule... But looking at how the students learnt new skills, developed their own understanding and resilience skills... Incredible.

Y13ENW - we are FINALLY up to Write a Report. Students needed to send me their three pieces of work to mark by the end of this week. I may need to follow this up over the weekend on GC. 

Last term we were working towards Write to Communicate - a really cool unit of work put together by Kura Solutions - where students needed to write three pieces of work that enabled them to show purpose and audience, in a short format. The three pieces included: an email to a friend they hadn't seen in a long time; short instructions about a task and a movie/game/tv show review. 

At the end of last term, students were working on their short instructions. Kura Solutions had previously indicated that it would be focussed on a recipe for the best sandwich. I showed my tauira that video of the dad who gets his kids to do the PB&J sandwich instructions and how he literally completed their instructions as they'd written them. Hilarious. 

Once my students saw the video they were determined to make sure their instructions were as accurate as possible. 

We spent the last lesson testing our recipes. It was hilarious. They tested mine and got my favourite sandwich ever. Smoked chicken, cream cheese, mayonnaise, guacamole/avocado, cherry tomatoes, spinach on croissants. 

I tested theirs and it was just as hilarious as the video. Some students took serious notes to improve their writing to make sure it was more accurate. Other students just enjoyed making sandwiches and testing out the recipes for accuracy. Regardless, it was a really cool opportunity for some authentic learning and to see the students grow in their vocab, their skills and their resilience. 

This term we're focusing on the report. The process itself from Kura Solutions is dragging along. Before I'd had the booklets printed - we were buzzing with doing the actual research. I think I've popped their bubble and now they may not have as much steam to finish this piece of work. Here's hoping that once they learn how the report needs to be structured - they'll find accurate information and research resources to help with writing their first ever 1000 word report. 

12THI - We're currently writing practice essays for prep for prelims in Week 9. I'm concerned that students aren't doing the work they're meant to be doing during SDL. The tasks I'm setting them don't get done. How to ensure this does happen?? Use the assignment/date function better on GC?

These students are overloaded with pressure. It's as much as I can do to keep them focussed at the end of the week. 

I'm so very over the half day of learning we have with the timetable this year. I miss the full days of English we had last year. My Y12s do too. I really think that the learning has become disjointed and students focus is disjointed due to the separation of this timetable. I have about four students who are still enrolled in this class that I will never be able to get up to date. The attendance is shocking. I don't know what else I can do. 

The rest of my students have worked hard. They watched Get Out over the Covid-19 rāhui. They completed work on their close viewing assessments. They worked on their resubs of their speech as a reassessment task with group analysis seminars. These were incredible at the end of the term. 

We're now trying to finish off our analysis, prep some external essays for practice before carrying on with what should have been the proper start of term 2. 

I'm completely rethinking the programme of learning. If Covid hadn't hit - by this stage we would have been starting Connections/Info Lit. At present - I need to teach them the written text for externals. We still have a written text study to complete before I can even begin to work on Connections with them. 

This is hugely problematic because I want my tauira to be able to get as many credits as possible. I'd also like them to do their visual verbal assessment. And get their L2 Literacy in English if possible. It might not be this year. 

So far most students have completed: 

Speech

Close viewing

1 practice essay for film

Reassessment task for speech - analysis seminar

1 creative writing piece

Looking at it like that... It's actually a big piece of work there. But it's still not where we should be up to if Covid hadn't hit. 

I need to be more supportive to myself though. Think about all the extra time and work I've put into making resources for this class over Covid. These guys have so many notes. They'll be fine for 2.2 external. If they can all get that assessment, that's part of our literacy work done. But it's the written text assessment we need to now focus on. So much pressure and it's only just finished up with Week 3, Term 3. 

11ENW - This class has really worked it's butt off. They've completed so many assessments, regardless of Covid. Part of the success here is the accountability with the grade sheets I put on Google Classroom so that they can visibly see where they're up to and what I need from them to finish work before I can take it again for resubmission. 

Because of Covid, some students haven't been able to begin their resub of 7121 and 2970 which we were able to begin before Covid and mostly finish during the rāhui. Some students weren't able to make the Zoom hui for differing reasons. 

Due to this - they still need to complete these before I can mark them off for 22644 and 22622. Steffi and I decided that with the first assessment 7121 - Search and Select Information (Skills) -- they had done significant writing about each task and could explain how the text was relevant to their interests. 2970 had significant reading attached to it that it could be used for the reading portfolio. 

With this in mind - it's just been a quick process to complete their speaking portfolio pieces in order to finish their overall literacy portfolio. Which should be finished marking and moderation by Week 5 of this term. That's an extra 10 credits. Done. Easy. 🙌🏽

Last term we were working on Fill in a Form. Easily the most pedantic task in the history of teaching. Somehow - I've made these kids into epic form fillers. They tell each other off when they don't use blue or black pen or when they see their mate hasn't used capitals. They wait to see my reaction when I mark and most importantly the reaction of their mate. Because they know, as they'd had the same reaction previously. It actually became pretty funny last term as we all worked through the practice forms together. 

I guess it really started with how pedantic I was being with the Ngata kids prior to our English class. They wanted me to be as strict on the rest of the class as I'd been on them. I was less strict but still got the same process as the Ngata kids became the enforcers of the rules for filling out forms. 😂🤦

Probably the most hilarious, useful and significant piece of learning they'll continue to think about as they get older everytime they fill out a form. Here's hoping they don't grumble my name too much each time 😂

Since that assessment has mostly been completed, we worked on the speaking portfolio while we awaited our chromebooks and network to be updated at the beginning of this term. I now need to watch and mark every video the kids have made. Three videos each. Either two individuals and one group interaction. Or one individual and two group interactions. It's a lot of paperwork and form filling, but if that's the only barrier to them getting their credits, I can't stand in their way. 

We've finally begun the next assessment - Write Personal Correspondence. Some students were given this at the end of last term. I should have given the booklets out yesterday before they all left class. I'll have to do a run around on Monday morning to every house space to make sure they have what they need. 

Really proud of the students in this class who keep leading the way and developing more competition to complete their assessments. It's one of the things that has kept this class trucking along. 

I think we're mostly on track, regardless of Covid. Our POL isn't quite the same as I'd planned but we need to adjust expectations because Covid really did create this divide between those who had access and those who did not. 

9 Tihi -- I really enjoyed our learning over lockdown. For those that could come to the sessions - we developed our writing skills, punctuation and grammar, grew our vocab and our communication skills too. 

We had shared writing tasks and projects. So freaking cool.

We have just begun our reading logs. Despite my best efforts to send home school journals with tauira before the last holidays for them to read - they're reading in class. Somewhat haphazardly, but it's happening. This is HUGE.

I'm really looking forward to Whaea Linda and Whaea Nicky's PPP programme (Pause, Prompt, Praise). It sounds a lot like how my nan taught me to read. 

Mostly though - I've enjoyed watching their resilience grow. Whether through the recent spelling bee or working on our research programme about a topic they're interested in. Working towards writing speeches and giving them accurate grammar check sheets. 

I need to catch up with Kahi and Wai to see how they're using their SDL blocks. 

This coming week I'm up with Kiwi for Weekday Wānanga for Maurua. 5-11pm. Noho at kura. Lots of learning can happen. Looking forward to it. Just need to plan it out and get the resources ready. What will it look like? Y9s doing research? Writing speeches? Y11-13 working on essay prep and writing pieces?

Maurua English Catch-up -- this has by far been the most interesting timetable ever. Why would te reo Māori and te reo Pākehā EVER be on the same line? 

This has caused so much disruption to our reo rua programme at kura. 

On my list originally was eight Maurua students. Three I teach, one my mate teaches and the rest would have been lost to the system. 

Yesterday I talked with more of the seniors. Lots of them want to go to uni. They'll need literacy i te reo Māori me te reo Pākehā hoki. 

It bums me out that the kids had to choose. I will always encourage reo Māori over reo Pākehā if they have to make a choice. Because you can get your literacy in both for uni. But they shouldn't have had to choose. 

Our timetable should work for the kids. It didn't. I've had so many students come to me who need Literacy help for uni. 

I need to identify which standards at kura have R Lit and W Lit. I tried doing this last year. Seemingly above my pay grade. But I'm CA English. So I should know. So I can help make the programmes accurate for our tauira. All it would take would be to look at everyone's POLS and work out which ones have Lit and which courses don't. 

My English Catch-up group for Maurua has risen in the last 24 hours. Students yesterday were identified as wanting to go to uni to become teachers. Possibly the pathway suggested to them from Betty and Taha at the last noho Wānanga. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 

So now - I need to figure out the best course of action for them. I'm thinking Writing Portfolio, Close Viewing and Speech for most of them. We could also chuck in Visual Verbal but that's an added extra, even for my Y12s. 

Want L2 Literacy i te reo Pākehā hoki? Join our English Catchup GC! -- add code to W/B in Te Ahurutanga this week. 

I'm feeling it's going to be a bigger job than anticipated...

Looking forward to the noho this week to help with this though. 

Goals for 2020

Even though we don't have to continue with appraisal systems based on our recent changes in the Collective Agreement and Accord - info here and here - I still continue to be a reflective and aspirational practitioner.

Goals for 2020:

* Survive Lockdown -- at times it's felt like waiting for the Purge. Other times I'm just damn grateful that I don't have children. Would this be what it's like having children? Stuck at home... ALL THE TIME? Gah. Mindboggling. I miss driving to see my friends. Being on an aeroplane and traveling to far-flung destinations. I miss being able to be completely free to go where I want, when I want. Being stuck inside has been HARD. For everyone. But harder still for those of us battling our insides and past trauma related to home stuff. I have so much aroha for those who are still in those dark, hurt places who are forced to stay in those spaces purely because of lockdown. How hard it must be to constantly be in that space with no hope of getting out. I just hope their neighbours have been actively listening and just being PRESENT for those people - so when the time comes, they will have help where needed.

* Finish my korowai -- last year in my appraisal hui we talked about my hobbies and passions. Something I'd missed doing all year was my korowai. Being so far away from Whaea Lorraine in Mamaku was hard and I struggled to even pick my korowai sampler up. This year I signed up with Te Wananga o Aotearoa... (yes, AGAIN!) and I've really enjoyed learning from Te Raita and her nan Roka. I've enjoyed researching Ngati Maniapoto kairaranga and whatu raranga like Rangimarie Hetet and her daughter Diggeress Te Rangituatahi Te Kanawa. I've recently been taught how to harvest harakeke but because it was my mate o te marama - I had to stand back and watch. Just you wait though... I know where to get the harakeke for muka now! Roka said I need to make 600 whenu. 600! That's going to be a LOT of prepping. Good thing I still have more samplers to do and to actually finish my korowai sampler too. It's looking so beautiful.

* Identify more places to travel to -- When lockdown is over - I am going to TRAVEL everywhere. I cannot wait.

* Sharing my tech geekiness with my colleagues -- I want to start ByteSized PLD with the OC whanau. It worked really well at Heights. Even if I was making more work for myself with little recognition from senior management... I was doing the mahi for them. But OC is different. At OC they seem keen on learning new things and happy for distributed leadership in those areas. I've waited back all of last year, assessing what needs my team has and figuring out how to best help people. I've really enjoyed doing PLD sessions with my team during lockdown. I've developed some PLD videos already for Whaea T, K and A -- and shared HEAPS of resources with S which hopefully helps with 3.8.

* More hui with English Dept -- I have LOVED doing our English dept catchup sessions each Wednesday and look forward to having time built into our timetable to be able to do this more often. Just being able to korero with the team about how things are going and what we need to do next to develop our skills as a team. It's been good seeing everyone and catching up even about mundane things which have become less trivial and actually interesting - the flip of lockdown I guess for me - recognising that this is why my nan always asks these questions about the weather and what I've been doing. Because it's actually interesting when you're stuck, bored out of your brain at home.

* Remote Learning -- I've learnt that there are MULTIPLE ways of doing online learning and that we still have much to learn. Even though I studied in Mindlab back in the ra, and all my studies, analysis, development of perspectives etc it reminds me daily that there are still laggards to bring along with us on this journey. These laggards have now been pushed like blue flamers into the late majority -- still keen to learn but not knowing how. For this, the lockdown has been useful too.

* Learning how to front those difficult conversations rather than continuing to avoid them to avoid confrontation -- the Effective Leadership hui we went on earlier this year is still in the back of my mind. I want to be better at communicating. I think though that the way I've fronted the issues which need most focus - has worked. Offering support, ensuring they know I'm here and waiting -- has actually worked. Proof -- hui this morning. AWESOME learning. It was truly so good. So much learning and more to happen this weekend.

* Developing resources -- Being commissioned by NZATE has been a really good challenge. I know I'm crap at deadlines. I also know I need processing and planning time. I gave myself a deadline I knew I couldn't meet, passed it and then asked for an extension. It's now only been a week since the deadline I should have given haha. I still have more to do. I wish I'd chosen to give a resource I'd already made. A win I guess, is that it allowed the discussion about Creative Commons to occur with my principal and the BOT.

* New leadership opportunities -- I wasn't shoulder tapped this time. But I was talked to about it, in a roundabout way. I was later told that they had brought my name up too but there was specific mandate NOT to shoulder tap me. And thus... I wait further. Hoping that my self-nomination is successful. Though I still would have liked to have more info about the role first haha. We'll see whether the association votes for me.

* External Moderation -- I still need to learn how to do this. I've asked for help from a few different people. Straight up - I just need someone to show me how. I know it's not hard. But it's my first time as a CA to do it on behalf of my team. I want to do it right and listen to what the MNA guy said last year too.

* Cross-curricular learning -- I want to do more of this. Let's work together!

* Localised learning -- I want to do more of this too!

* Lockdown has just been made SO MUCH EASIER -- thankyou cousin! We can now travel around the country to see our whanau. I CANNOT WAIT to go see our nan. YAY Level 2 - LOVE IT. Still stay safe. Stay vigilant and be on guard. Keep your contacts to a minimum.

* Distance Learning -- changes during Level 2 -- there will still be students needing remote learning available. More info to come.

2020: Pandemic Planning

Pandemic

Adjective:

 (of a disease) prevalent over a whole country or the world.

synonyms:

widespread, prevalent, pervasive, rife, rampant, epidemic;

Noun:

an outbreak of a pandemic disease.

"the results may have been skewed by an influenza pandemic"

I really didn't think we'd be getting right into Pandemic Planning at kura so early. I thought maybe we'd hit global Zombie Apocalypse first... but no. This is real.

I was in a state of panic yesterday.

I spent a lot of time in bed - worried, concerned. Sleepy.

Today, I got back into action mode. Lots of things were completed at school but there is still this overarching sense of impending doom to calculate and maneuver around.

My current thoughts are a resounding: We got this! But my internal conflict says... Do we? Like actually, do we?

It makes me think about how lucky we are here in New Zealand. We'd heard about it late last year, on into the beginning of this year.

One of my Y12 students even did her speech on this subject. Only slightly ironic that we'd then have a global pandemic on our hands...

Still, all the planning in the world couldn't prepare us for this. At present we have sixty-six confirmed cases of Coronavirus. This man in the video below is so clearly spoken, so relaxed and calm in this growing sense of panic that the rest of us are feeling. People are panic buying toilet paper. TOILET PAPER. Yes.... And not just here, either. All over. Sure, hand sanitiser and bleach sold out quickly too. They've only recently put a limit on how many loaves of bread you're allowed to buy. My friends are having trouble buying bags of flour. It makes me a tiny bit more appreciative of being gluten free.

Underneath all this bravado and my own sense of supposed calm. There is an overwhelming worry and concern for the people I love and care for. My immune-compromised colleagues are allowed to work from home this week according to Ministry of Education and Ministry of Health guidelines.

We're at Pandemic Alert Level 2 here in NZ. Our schools won't close until we are at Level 4. This is in itself quite a stressful time. We are on the frontline: teachers, nurses, doctors.

What are the symptoms again?

Coronavirus has spread fast. From Wuhan, China and then on throughout the rest of the world. We closed our borders relatively quickly. Thankful to have the cousin Jacinda as Prime Minister. She has truly helped keep the virus at bay. People traveling were meant to self-isolate. I'm guessing the 66 cases are people who did the travelling.

We are yet to move to community transfer. When that happens... I guess we'll be rising to the next Alert Level.

Italy has become the new epicentre of the virus. It is awful to think of the beautiful places I travelled to and visited in 2018 having their beautiful people getting sick and dying from this disease. Apparently the canal waters are clear. The sediment has not been disturbed. Fish and swans can be seen in and on the canal waters. Even dolphins have returned.

Some are saying that this is Mother Nature's way of putting us all into a time-out. Perhaps this is true. We were going to end up this way at some point, why not now?

It's hard to say what might happen next.

All I do know is that I have to keep a calm face and encourage my colleagues to do the same.

We're all in this together. Solidarity. Sick?

Whatever it means - we have to keep moving.

It is scary though to think of my students getting sick and coming to school, sick and then that virus transferring to others.

Usually when I start thinking of next possible situations, the worst possible situations, I feel a sense of dread, panic and fear.

At least with this pandemic of Coronavirus... I know the realities. Everyone I know and love could die. This might be a really morbid thing to say - sure. But I've actually never felt more calm. Because this is literally the worst thing that could happen.

And yet, I think the panic lies in what to sort out first. Which priority is more important?

Which task on my to-do list needs to be actioned first?

To Do...

• Ensure all classes in my department have Google Classroom set up
• Ensure that all students have access to wifi, data or other means to complete their work
• Check in with the immune-compromised teachers in my department. Are they okay? Will they be working at home this week? 
• Talk with immune-compromised students via email. Check that they are ready, and set up for learning at home
• Reassure students and teachers that it will be okay... 
• Find out more information of how dogs can get sick from the virus... 
• Buy more echinacea tablets ---- don't be overwhelmed if you can't find any...
• Try not to panic buy....
• Talk to Nan often and see how she's doing
• Create Zoom lessons and use Screencastify
• Prep resources that can be used online and offline
• Talk with students and check they're prepped at home with food and safe places
• Carry out duty at school -- enforce 2 metre separation where needed
• 
  

Whiteness

It's something I've talked about previously. It's something I've discussed at great length with my lecturers and professors at Waikato University. It's something I've mentioned to other white-passing Māori friends/colleagues of mine too. 

Yet, it's still happening. 

My whiteness. 

My beautiful, olive skinned complexion. 

My whakapapa running through my veins. 

My feet resting firmly on the shoulders of my tupuna. 

I'm lifted up. 

But yet, it's somehow not enough. 

I know my ancestors would be proud of me, how far I've come. 

How I recognise all aspects of my whakapapa. 

How I travelled and pilgrammaged to Prague, Guernsey and waahi tapu throughout Te Rohe Potae in the past year. 

Yet, I was asked a question during my appraisal hui whether my struggles this year getting my leaders in my bi-lingual class, and therefore the rest of the students, to accept me, might have had something to do with my whiteness. 

But I know that not all of their teachers are "visibly Māori" as my appraiser put it. 

We've discussed this issue here on this blog at length. 

We've discussed my need at eight years old to do a haka on my grandfather's dinghi. 

I've shared and shared and shared the plethora of strategies I've used to belong in the classroom, to have success as Māori in the classroom but also and most importantly, to feel safe in the classroom. 

Because our learning spaces are not just for our students. They're our workspaces too. We need to feel safe in ourselves there too. 

Yes - I am white. My grandmother asked me last year whether I knew that. I looked at my skin and said, "Yes, I know I'm white. But I'm also French, Irish, Scottish, Czech, etc AND Māori too." 

At that time she had shared some frustration with the fact that I'd made a joke to my sister about there being a dead hawk in the freezer that she couldn't eat. That I'd be plucking it to use for my korowai sampler. Which I did. Under karakia and guidance and mentoring by my kairaranga last year. 

I've made so much change and development in my life to find belonging and understand who I am. 

I was brought up in a French whanau, who chose not to learn French. Who were and are quite happy with being all the good and all the bad parts of being a Pākehā New Zealander. 

They never appreciated or acknowledged I was Māori... until that one time Tainui owned the Warriors. Then, my Grandad shared my Māori-ness to some random stranger at a sporting shop in Matamata.

They came to my kapa haka performances. They also came to my netball and basketball games. I think they just loved me and watched me do whatever I was doing. 

They thought I was cute. Being one of the only 'white' kids in the roopu. Mum fought for me when a girl shoved me up against the wall in A block corridor at my high school and told me I was too white to do kapa haka. I tell people that I was the kaea. I'd like to think that my singing was that sweet. I don't know anymore whether that was the truth or a lie I've grown used to telling to make the story better. I tell people that she did this because she was from a gang family. That she would have been brought up a certain way, to not think much of me in the roopu. 

I wonder whether my whiteness was just too much for her. No matter that my whiteness hadn't been an issue since I was five and was in the roopu at primary school. My whiteness wasn't a problem when I performed in front of Te Ariki Dame Te Ataairangikaahu at Turangawaewae marae. Nor was it a problem when I became a Māori Mentor for the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences at Waikato University. Because I belonged. 

From a young age I was taught the 'Pākehā way'. My Grandad caught eel, fish, whitebait, trout. He hunted for boars and stags. He shot many ducks and Canadian Geese. He was an inventor. He always had a green thumb and could grow nearly anything. He knew many names of the trees and brush in the bush. He had Māori friends. He taught me many of these skills. 

I learnt from a young age how to do Native American chanting. How to make medicine sticks. How to use sage to bless a house. How to use my naturally born wairua to impact on others. 

My mum thought this was okay. 

I do not. Learning an appreciation of another culture is great. Making it our own, is not. That's cultural appropriation.

I grew up, as my readers know, without my dad. I did however know my dad's mother, Mary who I now call Gran. My Gran sent me photos often of my beautifully multicoloured siblings who I didn't know. 

My Gran would share her whakapapa with me. She would share her stories with me. She would share her trauma with me too. Because it's important to share who we are, where we've been and where we will go to next. Who we might become. 

My Gran won't get to see this in person, but I know she's rooting for me. That she's supporting me, guiding me, being there for me. 

I know that she always wanted to go back to her grandmother's marae. Her marae. My marae. She insisted on waiting, for the right time. I have been assisted by my marae and trust board to get through University. I intend on going back there for wananga. I've invited my dad to come with me. He may choose not to. But I'm still going. Because it's my birthright. Because that's where our tupuna were born. That's where I will find our urupa filled with tupuna in our whanau. 

My grandfather Colin, was French. His father came to NZ when he was three years old. He was born in the Channel Islands. Grandad's grandfather Francois came to NZ with his brothers and father Jean Francois Le Long and mother Marie Nedellec. 

I know my whakapapa. 

I can quite happily recite strands of it back six or so generations. Some I can go back further. 

Maybe this new agitation is what was needed to build and stoke that fire within me once again. 

I don't need to prove to anyone who I am. 

I am me. 

I continue to learn, to appreciate, to grow. 

I once thought that my wings had been clipped. I don't think that any longer. But they were restrained. I needed that fighting spirit once more. 

Ngā mihi 🙌🏼

Last Goodbyes to S ❤️💔♥️

After a long, mostly intense and emotional year - I've finally said my last goodbyes to a young man who left us too early. But I guess, at the right time for him. 

The message below is one I shared with him and his whanau in their support group this afternoon. 

For those of you who know my story, my journey thus far - you'll know too that as teachers, the students we lose are the ones that break us the most. Losing S that day, in that moment, in the same year as Gran and other students - it was all just too much. S was truly a shining star. He deserves all the happiness always. Ngā mihi bub.

...

Hi bub. I've stayed too long in your whanau support group with you. I stayed too long because I wasn't ready to let you go just yet. You left our world when things weren't going so well for me either in my life. It didn't seem fair you leaving us and I felt guilty for not having done more, somehow to have kept you and other students that year here with us.

I'd seen you at kura maybe three or four weeks earlier and you'd came to see me and your other teachers to catchup and say hi - and bye too, I now know. You were happy and excited about your life. Things seemed to be going really well for you at the time, with work especially. You were bubbly again, smiling and incredibly happy in your own skin. I was really proud of you for the hard mahi it would have taken to get you to that happy place finally. 

I'm only sorry I didn't have time to have a proper conversation with you. You'd caught me on my walk across campus from one class to another. 

Reflecting back on that moment in time has held me stagnant for a long time. Because I wondered what else I could have done. How else might I have been able to help? Why didn't I see the signs? Those questions have been heavy ones to hold onto. I'm learning that I can't save everyone. That my job is simply to listen, support and be there when you kids needed it. I did that. But it still doesn't feel enough.

I guess because there is still more work to be done. Listening to Rob Mokaraka during his 'Shot Bro: Confessions of a Teenage Bullet' dramatic performance helped immensely as it drew all the broken pieces out into the light. His performance is one I suggest to everyone. To understand the depth of depression and potentially the warning signs. To recognise the good that is within and under all the pain. To speak up and often when things aren't going well or if we just need someone to talk to. 

I know your whanau are still healing, and always will be. Because kiddo you were a shining light in a lot of darkness. You brightened up our worlds, laughed at silly things and made us laugh with you. I know your classmates and the teachers who were blessed to have come into contact with you will always hold you in our hearts. 

I am beyond proud that I had the pleasure to have met you, to have taught you even for that small moment in time. 

Each time I see your brother at his work it makes me happy - because you live on in him, in all your brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. 

You were a shining star. You left us too soon before we realised just how special the time we had already had with you was. 

I'll always be here for your whanau should they need someone to talk to. Walking with your sister on the Hope Walk was healing for both of us.

I know that you will be watching down on all of us, helping us heal and to appreciate and remember all the incredible moments we have before they're gone much too soon. 

Ngā mihi nunui ki a koe, bub. Kaua e wareware au i a koe. Moe mai atu ra.

Miss Le Long

Term 2 - Ōpōtiki College - 29th June

It's time for a full and detailed reflection:

9&10 Tihi - this is my bi-lingual class for English. It's been absolutely challenging because of the behavioral levels and the underlying actual issue of incredibly low levels of literacy with some of our boys.

For the first term I spent it watching the students and creating relationships. The Y9 girls were onside almost immediately. The Y10 girls are slowly getting onside now - especially since hearing more about who their new boyfriends are haha the trust levels are increasing and that's a huge win. Especially because they've trusted me enough with the information but also to let them mock them a little 

The boys though... That's been tricky. The standoffish behaviour was a known factor into coming to this kura - based on my own experience with my whanau. Now that they've seen I've stuck with them a term, they've got to know who I am and my whanau links and connections - they're slowly opening up and connecting more with me. There's still a few that are on and off behaviour - yet I know that they really do just want to learn. I've continued to be surprised by the focus and determination from some students who have been the most disruptive in terms of behavioral issues. They want to try and are showing this in class. We've seen K reading an entire chapter of the BFG in the library and C actually sitting down and iniating discussions with the Protest Project mahi due to his prior experience. T and TM are the ones I want to accelerate the most - T because he's a leader and needs to feel comfortable and confident i te ao Pākehā me te ao Māori hoki. TM because he has SO much background historical knowledge and if he had more confidence and less of an internal block that he is incapable of doing the mahi - he'd be able to share his whakaaro in so much more depth. D has been trying - but needs to catch up with his maturity. P has impressed me considerably. His reading with the Tiriti o Waitangi book blew me away. Him and C fighting to reas the last few pages was awesome. I wish all lessons had been like that one.

With some of the behavioral stuff nailed through restorative hui where the girls, the kaiako and some of the boys owned their behaviour and shared what was disrupting the learning - it was interesting to see those boys who were (and some who still are) being disruptive jusy couldn't comprehend how they had contributed to the ridiculous behaviours in class and lack of learning.

There is still much more work to be done but we're slowly getting there.

Favourite lessons so far:
- TOW
- Protest project and research
- BFG Chapter 3

11THI - This class honestly cracks me up. So funny. I need more time to write about these guys! Such focus and determination.

I've missed a couple arvos with PPTA regional hui and the last Thursday for the two PUMs. And one day when the Queensland researchers interviewed me about charter schools.

Favourite lessons:

Pretty much every Thursday is awesome. The focus on film study and close viewing has been cool just because they have so much analysis skills. It's awesome.

Taking some of them to the slam poetry night was really awesome - definitely a highlight when E stood and did his poem.

11ENG - This class is hard. Straight up. Lots of students. Crazy situation. But we're getting there. After two terms - we're seeing achievement and success. I need time to mark all their work and doing the marking alongside them is way easier because they get that immediate feedback to fix up their Unit Standard mahi

TL;DR -

Poetry Slam - Whakatane 27th March

Last week I took five students to the Whakatane Library and Exhibition Centre's Poetry Slam Competition.

I'd been talking about poetry slam and spoken word for weeeeeeks and finally on the day of, a bunch of kids decided they wanted to come. Mad dash to book the van and contact whanau, pick ups and heading over there.

Such an awesome experience!!

I'd already shared some of my pieces with my students so they knew what they were instore for with me, but the looks on their faces when others stood up and performed was incredible. It's hard to describe a poetry slam. But they get it now. Hopefully the connections we made on the night lead us to being able to create our own slam poetry club and comps at kura this year.

What was most cool for me, was seeing one of students who I'd been trying hard to connect with, stand and perform the poem he had written earlier that day while in class with me. He'd shown me it, not long after I'd presented a couple of mine to the class. Heartbreaking and raw and full of his truth.

When he presented to the audience, you could hear the collective love reach out for him and support him as he read on. A beautiful experience. After he'd finished, one of the poets shared a poem she'd written 16 years ago. A poem she'd written for her nephew. My student's poem had deeply resonated for her. The connection between her and my student was magic and filled with shared trauma and albeit, survival.

Afterwards, they talked together and she said that she hoped she'd see him again at the next one.

It's moments like these, small, precious moments, that make me remember why I love teaching and why I became a teacher. Because this is real. These moments are created to enable authentic learning experiences and the ability to develop and enhance our students.

When it came time for the judges critiques, all of us stood waiting. The koroua beside me grabbed a chair and sat down. He was waiting the longest. His poems were incredible. Even J was impressed. Side note: hilarious moments watching J learn how to snap for the poets. He'll be practicing for a while I think 😂

My students said they were getting nervous for me, as if the judges had forgotten about me because they'd thought my name hadn't gotten called out yet.

Then finally, they called my name. I stepped forward, listened to their feedback and feed forward comments. And got Runners Up. ❤

My new poetry idols Abraham and Surja(?) got 2nd and 1st.

I wish I'd gotten the koro to write his unicorn poem down for me. It was awesome. - Unicorns are horses. We chop their unicorns off and put them in paddocks because we fear them - we put our fears in a paddock and lock them away. There was more - but that's the gist. So. Deep.

All in all, an awesome experience. The kids were absolutely buzzing afterwards. Eager for the next competition in September. They said, "That's far away!" So - looks like we'll be having to create more opportunities like these. I'd love to take this group, my First Five, to the Frontline in Auckland.

Now - I need to sit down with Arana from Whakatohea and Abraham from BOPDHB to create a plan for our tauira. ❤ Exciting times ahead.

Leadership Material

This afternoon I talked with one of our DPs about how cool the PLD with Cathie Johnson from NZCER had been.

My DP commented that it was surprising that I hadn't gotten any leadership opportunities at my last school. I sighed and said that I'd tried. But got blocked in.

She said how at Ōpōtiki College it doesn't matter whether you have seniority or not - but if you're keen then you're given the chance to build on your skills and try something new.

Can I just say again - how much I love working at OC? I miss my Heights kids and my Heights colleagues - but I finally feel like I've found my fit.

❤

First Day with the Seniors

I'll say this first and get it out of the way. I miss the KAL kids and the Heights kids. Course I do - six years there, many relationships built over the years and I missed the vibe I'd had with the KAL kids.

...

Today first up - staff briefing and karakia and waiata ❤ then assembly with all the new kaiako on stage. Me - awkward, standing up, waving, then a quick, quiet Kia ora koutou and sat down, perched on my seat.

Next - moving off to Ngata house meeting - am really looking forward to working with Matua Lance! He was so inspiring in his korero today - talking about his own education and work he's done before he became a teacher. It was good to be able to introduce myself then and there and welcome the new Y12s and 13s and also myself and Lance into Team Ngata.

Then - off to my classroom for LA (Learning Advisory) with LELN. I have the Y12 and Y13 Ngata students. They're pretty cool! I asked them to say their name, one thing they hated about last year and one thing they are looking forward to this year. Pretty cool responses too. Was good to get some questions early on from this group. I asked them what we could do to improve our class and there's absolutely plenty to be done. We sorted out the timetable for the day - Lines 1-5. I wrote it all out on the whiteboard only to realise it was super easy and pre-organised on the piece of paper they'd been given. They didn't need to know the lines and all that info I wrote bahahaha

My first class after interval was my Y13 English class -- Level 3 THI class (Thinking and Delving into Texts). I tried to start off with the POL and the texts we were going to do - but we (and I actually mean they) got straight into whakawhanaungatanga. It was awesome. I was a little drained afterwards haha just because it was rapid-fire 'get to know Whaea Alex'. Loved every minute. They asked me heaps of questions and I passed around my Europe bracelet and puzzle ring to see if they could recognise any of the countries and if they could put it back together. They all want to travel and think bigger. We talked about not feeling trapped and making sure that they had exit plans once school finished so that they were driven, passionate and ultimately wouldn't just be sitting at home next year with no goals. They are SO keen. Love this. The connection was fast paced. I haven't taught Y13 kids in ages and it was a surprising and positive first impression of the class. Can't wait for our year.

I caught up with Robyn and discussed the upcoming PAT test and we arranged a meeting for later on in the day to further organise it with Vickee :)

Level 1 English.... 38 plus kids. Surely. Absolutely bonkers. I got through half of them asking for their name and how English went last year for them. We broke down what NCEA stood for and I attempted to go over the course outline with them... But they were all over the place. Talkative, talking over each other etc. It took ages to settle them down - they will need loads of attention, scaffolding and strict but fair guidelines. Because far... Discussions were super hard. The girls were onto it and way focussed, quiet as too.... The massive amount of boys... Not so much. Once the kaiarahi organise the class a bit better - we'll have a much better start to the year I reckon. Lots of knew learning for me as it's a US course.

Level 1 THI - such a cool class! A few of my new Tu Rangatahi mates there too. Was awesome. The vibe was high as! They were excited to work with me and me with them!! So can't wait. I asked the kids what their names were, something I absolutely must know about them (hint: majority of them like pies 😂) and something they're looking forward to this year. We looked over the plan a bit and talked about what we'd be doing. I floated the idea of doing 'Part Time Indian' but they'd already studied it. So... I need to figure out another text. One of the Tu Rangatahi kids, Tana, was already bouncing ideas for his speech - not due till term 2. Love this class. So cool!!

Lunch - spent quickly eating food, and then having a visit from two of my Y13 students who talked about the year and what they were hoping to get out of it. One of them said they'd never sat in a class at lunch with a teacher and talked before... I said it was normal to me because at Heights we'd always hang out in class. One of them also said how gutted she was for the students at Heights, how they'd lost a good teacher, but how happy she was that they'd gained a good one :) happy chills!!

Sorted out the plan and details for the PAT testing tomorrow. Looking forward to this online testing version as the test changes as the kids progress based on their needs and abilities. Accurate testing!

Last up was LA. I forgot to check my emails before then as we were told the kids could leave once they had their timetables sussed to remove any blanks. They all rushed off once we found out. I was trying to stall for time and then once we were told - they were gone. Not much of a good bye or see ya later. I missed KAL so much at that moment. Our vibe isn't there yet in LELN. But we'll get there, I hope.

Much more to be thought about and processed. But am happy we had such a good day and that other than the 38 Y11 kids ... There were no issues and I made heaps of new connections or at least beginnings of connections today. Stoked. 

First week at Ōpōtiki College - 2019

It's Saturday morning. 5.43am. What better time to feel like not going back to sleep because there are just too many thoughts running through my brain. So, here we are, writing them out.

All holidays I'd been wanting to get into school. I was literally tearing at the bit to get started. I wanted keys and a laptop and that was my focus. For ages. I'd still like a laptop to be fair but am making do for now with the PCs in the Dept and in class.

But not having those two things all holidays actually forced me to relax. And boy, did I. Walks on the beach with my two very happy dogs. Walks on the beach with my sister's very lonely and sad dog, turned ferociously loyal and stoked he was allowed out to explore the world. Visits with friends and exploring new spaces in Ōpōtiki I'd never been to: Hikutaia Domain and Tauwhare Pa. Reading books. (Plural!!!) Gardening and planning my new vegie garden out. Mowing my new humongous lawn. Playing with the dogs. Exploring Snell's beach and the Sand Trail on Motu Trail. Hanging out with my sisters and making new friends in Ōpōtiki. Spending LOADS of time with my nieces and nephews and getting hungry for my own time again hahaha but they loved their holiday with me and I truly loved every moment - even when me and Blaise were getting hōha with each other bahahaha. Unpacking and more unpacking. Chucking boxes and settling in. Lane swimming each morning in the college pool with my new principal and new colleagues from Ōpōtiki.

Being taken to Waioweka awa for a swim by my niece Blaise (8) who was very proud and excited to show me her very beautiful river. Driving past her new school and how she gets dropped off by the bus at the bottom of the hill and has to walk all the way up to Kura. She sounded proud, rooted in who she is, her whakapapa and sense of self - no question. Loved that.

Sewing (or at least sorting out the pattern to begin sewing). My sister calling my pattern for new pants, "paper pants" and this phrase now being stuck in my head when I think about sewing. Because she actually didn't understand that's how you make clothes. She's 21... 😂 It actually concerned me enough to visibly be sewing and fixing things sometimes when my nieces and nephews came over, because I want them to know some basics like that. Though I bet there are a bunch of 'basics' they and the rest of the Ōpōtiki rangatahi know that I don't. So - we'll get there together.

And finally, this Monday I was ready. Relaxed. I loaded my car with the boxes of my school stuff. Rearranged the now emptier spare bedroom and waited for Blaise to arrive. We had a delicious kai and then off to kura. A three minute drive from my gate to classroom door.

Much moaning from me, moaning from Blaise because she got bored. But that first day she was modelling teachers and she just kept yelling. She wanted the desks in rows (!!) and every time I popped up saying "our class" rather than her repeating things her kaiako have said "my classroom" she stopped, thought and carried on. It made me wonder very seriously about what education has looked like to Blaise. She has been in primarily Kura kaupapa and immersion units. Each time I ask her how Kura is going she tells me how she is being bullied or about the naughty kids. I try asking her about what she's learning but she doesn't often have much to say and this kid talks, a LOT, like me. I'm going to be a lot more visible and aware of her learning this year and can do so now that I'm here in Ōpōtiki. I want to figure out the right questions to talk to her about her learning too. And I want to korero Māori with her more too. I need that conversational Reo.

Anyway - at school Monday, unpacking and setting up. Saw Kathleen and we organised to meet up the next day to begin tackling the resource room. Me and Blaise went into the library and found a chess board. We took it up to the staffroom and I taught her how to play while waiting for the water container to fill (and then having to clean up when it overfilled).

10am Tuesday - Blaise and I arrive and take in the English Resource Room. I seriously wish right then I need had taken a before photo. Everything was higgeldy piggeldy. You couldn't find anything and you didn't know what was even in there. We began by sorting out the old resources and chucking old textbooks. Then we moved the novels to the side and began making headway when we found we'd made actual shelves for poetry, short stories and an entire series of shelves for Shakespeare. It was good working with Kathleen chucking things out. She kept saying how she'd wanted to do this for years and hadn't ever done it. Making connections and connecting via a shared interest in making our space tidy and happy to be in. By the end of the day we were completely knackered. We'd filled one big bin of text books and still had more to go.

Wednesday morning - Blaise and I arrived super early. She had been given the stern word from her mum the night before that she had to be focussed and respectful rather than moaning every time she wanted to do something herself. I get it - she was bored and this adult teacher stuff isn't very fun. She'd brought some toys from my place and I got her my headphones so she could at least listen to her LOL toy dolls unboxing videos in peace. What I didn't know is that when she asked me to sit down with her and play chess, that she was thinking of running away because I was ignoring her so much and she was getting so upset. Poor kid. Sorry Blaisey. She told me later when we went to the staffroom and she said, "Aunty, we need to talk." Love this kid. I forget in the moment just how similar we are and how she's feeling - because she's used to hanging out with her cousins and brother - whereas I had to play on my own a lot because there was no-one else around. We both would have been the best mate for each other at 8yrs old. Haha.

By the end of Wednesday, the resource room looked so good!! Novels to the far left. Student text books to the far right and teacher resources on the back wall. Simple. Easy. (It wasn't easy to make it look simple and easy to use!) Whaea Kathleen had gotten all the school journals sussed and we'd put them up on the top shelf and made space for the new ones on the red standing desk/shelf space. We had gone through two more big bins and I'd chucked out a bin worth of old stuff from my class and the office attached to my class too. Freeing.

Thursday - Teacher Only Day. Whakawhanaungatanga and I spoke waaaaaay too fast, filled with nerves. Gave them a small taste haha and people kept coming over to meet me and talk more so that's good haha. Everyone else were so relaxed and shared hilarious stories that had so much leadup and were super interesting.

I suppose the one thing I haven't mentioned yet is... I'm teaching at Ōpōtiki College this year with Dad. He got a job there just before Xmas. He'll be teaching construction and pre-trade courses.

Being back in Ōpōtiki, actually living here is bringing back so many unresolved feelings. The abandonment issues, the feelings of isolation and loneliness. The belief that no-one wants me etc. Those feelings are of a young person, me, when I was dealing with all of it. No-one helped me through it. I helped myself - the best I could. When I was younger I used to imagine an older Me hugging me and looking after me. A teenager me giving me advice. It's what kept me (sane?) functioning for a long time.

So now that I'm here, in Ōpōtiki, about to be working with Dad... There are just so many unresolved issues bubbling under the surface. Definitely need to talk with someone outside the whanau and challenge Dad more too. Like I did that morning on Thursday. When he reckoned it was only 13 years we weren't in touch. I said, "Well, 18 if we're counting," salty as possible. And us sharing our shared memory of when I'd told him at 18, that if he'd waited any longer then I wouldn't have been interested, because that was the right time then. Now - I don't know why he's come back to Ōpōtiki. He hasn't been here for years. It's weird. Maybe he's trying to fix things he's broken. Or maybe he just wants something new. Either way, when he did his korero and said how he was over all the red tape in the building industry, we all laughed. Because the red tape in the education sector is beyond compare. I'm interested to see how he goes actually. And wish him well.

Plus - he bought me a hot chocolate on our first day. So that's a win. Thanks Dad!

Thursday was spent with a lot of whakawhanaungatanga activities - in houses. Me and Dad are in Ngāta house. Because all the other Wilson kids were in that house. And plus, I have so many school house colour clothes that are yellow from being in Kowhai house at Heights for six years. So it made sense to be in the yellow Ngāta house too. It was just a big plus to be in the same house that all the kids had been in.

Our activities:
- Ngāta house waiata - we had to make a theme song with our motto of Equity and Social Justice, the school values and introducing ourselves, to the tune of 1814's 'Rastafari'  (I'll put our kupu in later)
- Two-legged race
- Three-a-side basketball
- Hop, Skip and Jump
- Juggling

Let's just say - the kaiako at Ōpōtiki College are fiercely competitive. It was hilarious.

Kai in the staffroom. More korero around the Triple A's and Triple C's. Acceleration, Acknowledgement, Accountability. Coherence, Consistency, Care. The theme of three was clear through the day and it helped to remember the acronyms too.

Friday - in A Block - PLD.

Results korero. I love how at Ōpōtiki College the results are broken down and talked about as a discussion. The numbers discussed in words - what we're the reasons for this and what can we do to make these numbers better. At Heights, the numbers were just talked about and shared as if everyone knew how to process numbers (not me!!) or how to analyse them (definitely not me!).

We talked more about the Triple A's and Triple C's. What these looked like for students. We had big discussions in our house groups about this and how to maximise these for students. What we needed to actively teach. Also liked the strategy of getting the kaumatua and the pōtiki to read out the results we'd identified as groups.

Once we were in depts, we had to do a LOT of different things. Moderation wasn't all handed in last year. Thankfully Robyn was going to take care of that. We also had to change our senior POLs (Programmes of Learning) and finish our junior UoWs (Units of Work) before Wednesday. Gah. So much. We delegated and so Whaea Kathleen did her two classes, Whaea Ann did her two classes and I'm doing my three senior classes too. I was so worried when Jen said we ALL needed to redo it all and when Vickee said that the curriculum advisors job isn't to do everything - that each kaiako had to help - that made me feel heaps better. Delegation and team work for the win.

When Tama came into the Dept I sat down with him and talked to him about the Y9 programme we'd organised at the end of last year and showed him what we'd done so far with the Y9 Bridging Programme. I'm actually really proud of how I did that - because it felt like that was the first time I was actually being a subject advisor. Because I was being a coherent, organised leader and helped him know what he was doing. We talked about the school journals and asked if he had any short stories he knew that we could add to the programme.

We were given a korero about Maurua and the significance of the whare Kura Ki Uta (we were given a digital tour prior to our Powhiri this coming Friday) and heard about the kupu hou - Maurua - and how this is a term for weaving here in Ōpōtiki / Whakatohea. It's the base seam in whaariki. They welcomed the new kaiako to the immersion unit and talked about how the haka roopu has the same name as the whare nui.

Spent more time in our houses figuring out who was taking which LA (Learning Advisory). I've got the Y12 and Y13 Ngāta kids, so I'll have my sister Tiana with me. She's a Y13 this year. I'm looking forward to getting to hang out with her more and getting to know her properly too.

I used to try hang out with Leah and Tiana heaps when they were little. But I didn't hang out with Tiana enough. I'll always feel guilty for neglecting my brothers and sisters. But it wasn't my fault I didn't grow up with them. That choice was made for me. All I can do now is make the most of this year and get to know her better. If she'll let me. I just hope I'm not too late. Her time period might be way different than mine was with Dad. I was willing to wait for a long time. Sad and upset. It's hard to crack my sister. She's just... Tiana. I can't wait to see how this year pans out and how being in Ōpōtiki helps or perhaps worsens (hopefully not) my relationships with all my whanau.

And now... Saturday morning... I'm completely awake, tired yes, but awake. It's 7.10am and I've been typing this entire time on my phone. Today I return to the Dept and we complete the POLs and junior UoW for Term 1.

Mauri Ora ❤

The Last Senior Prizegiving at Heights

This Friday, we had our senior prizegiving ceremonies. They're always usually quite emotional.

But the photos with my colleagues and goodbye hugs with my seniors - that got me.

I had a box of tissues with me the entire time. I barely used them. Others did. I feel like I'll cry at some random point when it truly truly gets me.

The Y13 leavers function co-organised by one of my all time favourite students left a mark, that's for sure.

Speaking to the cohort and then wishing each of them luck as they walked across the stage, one last time. So. Many. Hugs. So. Many. Handshakes. ❤️

The thing about Heights kids is you always know they've got your back. Even when they're pissed at you. They'll stand up against anyone who even dreams of hurting you. Our Heights whanau is real and once part of it, you don't really leave.

But now that I'm on the other side of the senior prizegiving, my focus now shifts to making this last part of the year incredible for my juniors and trying to get every single other student across the line to get their literacy and every credit they can to achieve and endorse. Oh... And achieve their best in their exams too. Because there will be LOADs of catchup and refugee students hanging out with me in the library - like every year.

I just truly hope - that each and every one of my students - past and present - looks after themselves and gets the help they need, and that they learn to speak up ❤️

He aroha nui ki a koutou!!!

Interview Prep

Over the past few years, I've felt out of sorts at school and at home. I've dealt with this in varying ways: pushing myself fully into my job, overcommitting myself with extra curricular and professional development, overexerting myself to learn as much as I can for the benefit of myself, staff and students. Ultimately this has meant that I burnt out.

I'm not exactly sure of the pinpointed moment when I burnt out - but I know that I came to a very boiling simmer with only dregs of water left in the bottom of the pan. Luckily, and not so luckily either - I dealt with a few horrendously awful things throughout 2017 which had dramatic impact on my overall hauora this year. As a result I had to reassess what was important to me.

I backed out of certain extracurricular activities that were causing unnecessary pain and hurt. I cut people out of my life that were spreading unkindness and making myself feel awful 24/7. I remembered that I have great relationships with my friends, family, colleagues and students. I reminded myself to stay focussed on achievable tasks each day and became committed to doing what I could in my own classroom.

Much of these things I did this year - including taking time out to travel overseas - came from pieces of advice spread over the past 6-10 years while I was processing everything. The problem of course - the burning out.

It took me a long time to recognise I needed to do more self-care and focus on what I can do / could do - to exact change and positivity in my own life and that of my students. Mainly because I wasn't in the space where I recognised I needed to look after myself. Sometimes, you just can't see the trees in the forest. You know?

And so - this past year has been a year of realisation and healing. What things have held me back have on the most part been let go and I have been able to move forward.

Part of this is the recognition that I'm not making any headway at school. I've tried every which way to help in the long run. But I get shot down. Maybe I'm too rebellious or I just think too deeply to create and find solutions to problems. Whatever it is, I've been boxed in with little pathway forward.

I love our Heights kids. Will do forever.

But my conversation with my niece last month truly put everything into perspective.

She wanted me to move to Ōpōtiki. Because it's closer. Because we are so damn similar and she needs someone who gets her. 

Because her mum (my sister) refuses to drive her to Rotorua (because she has anxiety while driving long distances).

A few weeks ago when I was told my house was going up on the market, I was a little distraught but also happy. New opportunity, new time, new door.

I pushed on the door - sent my application in. I knocked once more and said I'd like to apply for a few of the other positions.

The door opened, welcomed me in and set up an informal meetup with the deputy principal and current English Curriculum advisor.

That meetup went really well. Really well.

The door by this stage was cracked open - I could see a little bit inside and was intrigured.

I was told about my upcoming formal interview (tomorrow morning) and at the school ball, I told my principal.

So here I am... Laying on the double mattress in my sister's lounge, with her dog Halo at my feet.

I've written down the pros and the cons. I've thought about the positives and negatives about leaving Heights and working / living in Ōpōtiki. I've thought about the potential damage it could do to my relationship with my sisters and iramutu. But there is also significant positive outcomes too.

Tomorrow - I go into the interview, positive and overall, just myself. I have a few questions and a few concerns - namely housing and texts for the Coast by Nature programme. I've written a basic integrated plan for literacy with texts etc.

I'm looking forward to the interview anyway - it's been a while since the interview at RSHS. I've learnt a lot since then. In fact, it's probably a good idea to read the blog post after that interview and call.

Whatever happens, happens. The door is open - I guess now it's up to me to do my best, nail the interview and then figure out what I want to do from there.

Thanks for following me on this journey thus far. Much love ❤️

It is time to come out of the shadows

For much too long I've sat behind my screen, reading and learning and figuring out what needed to be said.

There has been so much going on for me in the past two years that it's taken a toll on overall everything I do.

I don't feel inspired. I don't feel myself. But then again, every day I'm trying to claw back what sense of self I do have.

Panic attacks, stress, possible burn out. It's been ever present.

There have been times this year when I've thought about giving up teaching. It's so so full on. The workload, the stress, the high stakes pressure for me and for the kids. The pain of every day working with teenagers going through inordinate amounts of stress, frustration and hurt. The pleasure of being able to laugh at myself and enjoy being myself in the company of my awesome students.

If it wasn't for my students this year, I honestly don't know whether I'd still be teaching.

This year we have had so much going on at school. So much going on in our country. So much going on in my own life and my family's life. It all just seemed too much at times.

Recently, I told two of my students off hand that I couldn't work with them all last period as I had my counselling appointment that I had to leave school early for. It turned out I didn't leave school as early as I thought I needed or at the time I was planning. But still. I told them.

And - there was no why. There was just pure acceptance.

My students got that I've been dealing with stuff.

I wonder whether they knew I'd been struggling to deal with it all for the past year or so. This past week was only my second session.

As someone who is always trying to model good mental health processes, like telling students to go the counsellor of needed or taking them to make an appointment or helping students through difficult situations - it's been an absolute blessing getting to this point of overwhelming need to see someone. Because I would have just kept struggling and trying to be all to everyone.

This need to be all encompassing is draining. I can't be Superwoman.

I can be me. And sometimes that means I am inspirational or supportive or caring. Other times I can just be there.

This past week showed me that I can take a step back. That I don't need to be so involved. That I can actually focus on what I need to focus on. I don't have to be so involved with everyone else's issues or trying to save everyone from destruction. Particularly if it comes to the point where I can't even save myself.

So. I am saving myself. Recognising that I need to take some time for myself. To recharge my batteries. To be me again.

I can't be the person I wanted to be when I first started teaching, if I burn out. I want to make real change in our schools. I can only do that if I do what's right for me.

Part of that is taking back my love for writing. I am going to try to get back into writing on here. At least once a week to start with.

My head has become a jungle of thoughts and I need to start releasing some of these out into the wild.

Miss you all so so much. Let's catch up soon.

- Alex

It's been a while...

Arohamai whanau.

It's been a long while since my blog post.

Since then, I've started again on my reo Māori journey at Te Wānanga o Aotearoa studying Te Aupikitanga ki te reo Kairangi - a Level 6 Diploma in te reo Māori.

Since then, I've dealt with several issues from students and have been working on finding positive and achievable solutions with them.

Since then, I've been working on focussing on the students in my class and not over exerting myself. This seems to look like I'm not participating much of giving of myself... but truly, I am just redirecting my energies into being the best classroom teacher possible. Perhaps after today's ICT sessions with my colleagues I might get back on that particular waka.

Since then, I have bought a himalayan salt lamp and it has done absolute wonders for my sleeping and breathing clean air at home. Next - to buy one for school.

Since my last blog post, we've moved into our new classroom! All done up, refurbished and looking incredibly beautiful. Weird way to describe a classroom but it truly is. And what's more we are all really appreciating the environment we now have. Despite one student with his inappropriate use of a wire and the multiplug... and another student dropping chewing gum into the new carpet today as well as a broken pen... which with the help of an icepack and sanitiser gel... we managed to get both out as much as possible.

Since then, I've taken our Heights Pasifika roopu to our community festival and begun to make plans to build up Heights Pasifika at our kura.

Since that blog post... I've stepped into the role as Bay of Plenty Regional Chairperson for PPTA.

Since that blog post, I've redirected my social life into Young and Local - a group of truly positive and supportive young people here in Rotorua.

Since that post, my grandmother (Dad's mum) had a second amputation and even with all her morbid humour, I still can't quite say with jest that she is now legless. She is doing well. No news is good news at least.

Since that last blog post, I have been warrior, mum, aunty, sister, student, friend and support person to a lot of people. It can be quite draining.

I must remember to focus on what is most important, self-care, my health and prioritising my students learning over the learning of my colleagues. Who... at the end of the day have begun to seek me out now that I've stopped offering my help so much.

Mia and Zo are doing well too :)

EduSpark Group - Needing to Evolve our Education System

An incredibly awesome and talented colleague of mine just messaged me on FB and added me into a group of like minded people that he's created, called EduSpark.

His video is here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/248311075592957/permalink/248579055566159/

Check it out if you are interested!

After watching Campbell's video it reminded me about one of the main goals I had when I started my teaching blog- the evolution of teaching and my teaching practice. It's in the very name of my blog.

Over the past couple of years my evolution and imagination in teaching has dragged slowly. I haven't been my normal, excited, innovative self. Well, compared to when I first started teaching. But I guess with any evolution there needs to be trial and error. I've had my time for that... now I need to get back on track and refocus on evolving my practice and being a better kaiako for my students.

A good thing too as school starts tomorrow!

All holidays I actually did no schoolwork. If you're an avid fan of this blog, a reader or know about me - you'll know that this is something that is very rare. Because I don't often put myself first. My last blog post shared this frustration, partly because at this point in my life, after the trial and errors of the past two or so years, I've been fortunate to see success. It hasn't always happened with me and my future which is still something I'm working towards, however the search remains a constant and one that many teachers are searching for. That sweet spot where we feel truly passionate, empowered and confident.

After these holidays, I am quite relaxed. I've had time to destress and really focus on me and my own health. I've spent moments of time with my family to varying degrees of success. I've read books in the sun, by the lake, in bed, on the couch! I've watched A LOT of Netflix and movies. I've played with Mia and Zo. I've done a bunch of DIY at home. I've got back into my creative side and remembered what's truly important.

With 12 hours to go before I step foot back in at school, I'm nervous, excited and hopeful. I truly look forward to an incredible year.

With all that comes EduSpark, the regenerative spark to reignite my passion, excitement and hope to help evolve our education system. Together, we stand a chance to make true and lasting, positive change.

Thanks Campbell :)

Kia Eke Panuku Obs

Have been thinking about my Kia Eke Panuku obs from this week.

At the crux of it... I'd probably call my teaching style, organised chaos.

Students arranged at random, per choice of students. We don't do seating plans. In fact, student led decision making on where they sit and why has become incredibly important.

The shared power in the room - can be seen too. Learning tends to be more co-constructed and we learn from each other.

At any given moment with certain classes there is self-directed learning occurring. 

What this looks like is different in different classes, with different students.

There is constant monitoring. Awhi, support and encouragement.

Wondering about my shadow coaching sessions and how KM modelled her lesson off of what I'd done in mine. Very cool. Loved her Numbered Heads strategy as well as how she had all the students e tu to refocus them :)

It was good to see that in both obs my relationship strengths came into play and that my giggly, humorous nature came out very obvious in the ob too.

I wonder how different my classroom is to someone who is much more traditional.

Two areas of focus for myself:
- Wananga - need to make the most of teachable moments and use that time to dig deeper, one on one.

- Develop more confidence with my Y9 social studies class. The revision stuff we're doing is mostly new. So we need to find a more concrete way to share this knowledge. Google Docs? Slides even? Not sure. That's my plan for this weekend. Figure it out.

I'd like to do more obs too because I need to improve my way of observation. I'd like to see more and dig deeper.

I really like the shadow coaching too. Different styles there - the side by side and the korero and discussing different points that came up.

I wonder how I might further improve and capitalise on the organised chaos and relationships in class.

Parent Teacher Interviews: Thankful parents

Last night I experienced another really rare moment. This time it was two parents of two of my students who explicitly thanked me for what I do for them and their students. It was so nice.

Nice because we don't often hear that. And the sincerity and seriousness of what they were saying made my heart sing.

One of those parents was the same one who said this last parent teacher interviews. She noted that her daughter should be more thankful, and apparently has said this to her in the past, because I let her daughter read an alternate text for her novel this year. The parent commented that she'd told her daughter that this wasn't normal practice and that her daughter should be more appreciative of what I do.

Last night we talked about how her daughter was playing a game on her phone yesterday. The one time I catch her daughter out doing something she's not meant to, out of hundreds of days where she has been absolutely brilliant and completely putting all her effort into her mahi. We laughed because that relationship, to share that funny moment, was there and had already been built.

What I would like is to have that kind of relationship with all of my student's parents. To have them know what I do, to have their support, to improve their learning and overall engagement in their student's learning.

Last night there were way less parents who came. Perhaps this is because of the two other house tutor group day sessions for goal setting and option choices we've held already this year since the last parent teacher interviews.

Regardless, it's always something a teacher likes to hear. That we are actually making a difference and that the difference is noted and appreciated. :)