Win Your Own Race

Me and Ri were eating our pancakes today - I finally had finished cleaning up, and had just sat down and was eating mine. He finished his first and said, Finished Aunty! I won my own race. 

I looked up at him and smiled, nearly crying. I told him I was proud of him. 

We've been working on this kaupapa for soooo long. 

If you've come to any of our hang outs, seen his epic meltdowns or been on the other end of a punch, scream, bite or scratch... You'll know how big this is. 

We've been talking heaps about winning his own race, winning against himself. That he doesn't have to win against anyone else. That his personal wins are enough and in fact, that's way better than just winning a race against someone else. 

And today, I can sleep happy - knowing we're finally making progress, he's having less meltdowns -- yes still meltdowns... He's understanding protecting our own boundaries and respecting each other better. 

For the last few days, maybe a week or so now - Ri and Crys have been waiting on me to wake up. Literally. I've been so exhausted, body exhausted and stressed -- but I've also been incredibly happy. Beyond happy. 

I have freedom but I also have a constant fear that I'm going to have to go back into the cage. I want to win my own race too.