Recently I was reminded about the power of WHY.
Why I chose to become a teacher...
Why I continue to be a teacher...
And an ongoing thought - that I've lost my mojo.
I simply don't enjoy being front and centre anymore. I feel like I'm putting on an act that has been so overdue to be cancelled that I don't know why it continues.
Me.
When I first started teaching - I was eager asf. I wanted to change the world. I thought I was. Every day. Every single class. Every tauira.
Over time, I started to see the reality. That there are good days and bad days. More often than not - there are bad days that become bad seasons and then sometimes when there is a glimmer of hope ... And other times when that hope is so bright that it blocks out all of the possible dark clouds looming...
My love for teaching is still there... Dormant I guess.
When people ask - I always say I love teaching. And I do.
What other profession can you get so excited about, encourage others to grow and also scold in the same bloody second? 😂🤦♀️
I just miss the old me. The girl with the stars in her eyes. The one who never backed down from a challenge. The girl who looked into the face of her enemies and thought strategically how to best solve solutions.
I feel like the fight in me has gone. Like I've just accepted that there isn't much at all I can do. That I actually have no power over myself or my own space.
Someone asked me recently if I felt undermined or that I'd become disempowered. And totally. There's definitely those feelings there.
But to give up, run off and restart? I just don't have the energy.
And I don't think I have the energy to keep going either.
This year is my eleventh year teaching.
I remember when we talked about the fourth year being the hardest... To make it to five years in teaching - in this climate ... Was something short of extraordinary.
I made it this far.
Four pracs, two failed, two passed - both in which I understood how racism and power play was systemic in school systems and structures.
Three schools. All with their own pros and cons.
I feel like I'm at a cross roads.
Like I don't know what the next step is.
We're smackbang in the middle of Term 3.
Three years in with our old pal Covid-19 and the ongoing effect it is having in our education of the next generation.
It's hard. Every single day. Masks, mandates, vaccines, sanitising surfaces, stress about sneezes and coughs, ensuring safety and open windows in spite of the cold weather.
It's a daily struggle. Day in, day out.
Add in the turbulent mental health of both teachers and students, whanau and our community...
The ever decreasing levels of literacy...
The ever increasing expectations from the community and our BOT to make shifts and improve our data
The overwhelming pressure of never being able to catch up or succeed.
The serious stress resounding every single corridor, corner and classroom.
It's a surprise we even have teachers left in the field as it is.
Having given up lots of my extra responsibilities over the last year and a bit ... NZATE, PPTA, De Luxe Theatre, etc etc etc.... I am trying to reconnect with me. What I want... Who I want to be.
I once had aspirations of becoming a principal.
But I've realised that even as a principal - you still wouldn't be able to elicit real change.
It makes me so cynical.
What is it that I can actually achieve myself?
Who have I even made a difference for in the end?
I honestly just feel like I've lost my why. I've forgotten what it is that I want and where I want to go.
I'm just going with the motions and hoping for the best at the moment.
I never wanted to be this person. Sure, I wanted the success, the financial stability of having bought my first home, the honour and privilege of having tauira who listen and engage with me. But what does it all account for?
What does it all really mean? Who am I really benefitting right now as a teacher?
My one saving grace at the moment is my Drama class. They're amazing. They remind me to have fun and get excited again about teaching. I'm excited to have more drama fun with my mate RS. She is freaking phenomenal and an absolute superstar. Hopefully we do get to do some tean teaching next year in the music, drama and acting space.
I recently talked to someone about me being their constant reset button. That they only come to see me when they need to be redirected in their life.
I've just realised that by me not writing my thoughts out for so long - I've left all these thoughts to crowd my creativity and stop myself from being my best self. Why did I stop writing?
I got busy.
Riley.
Crystel.
Life.
But writing is still and always will be my passion.
Gardening has been helping recently too. I just need to keep going.
And write more.
Reconnect with my why. ♥️
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