Pivot

After my crash, I sat on the side of my bed, middle of the night, lights off, bawling my eyes out. Riley was asleep in my bed. I tried to bawl quietly. 

I knew then, that it was time. To step out and away from education as it was. As it is right now. 

I cried for the imminent break-up with education. With the system. With my need to do what my tūpuna have been telling me for years to do. 

A wairua decision and a long held one... For many years. That it was finally time to step aside and let the next teacher come in. 

The main issue with this plan -- is that there aren't many new teachers. And barely any teachers coming in to apply at our kura, in our town. 

I'm worried for my students - the incessant stream of relievers. 

I chose the 22nd Aug which will give me time with the kids before I leave. 

I'm worried about my staff and colleagues I'm leaving behind -- so I'm creating new lessons, plans and resources. 

I'm worried about my whanau who are worried about me. Because I broke the poverty mindset cycle. And I made changes. But now - it's time for me to make a change so I'm happier and living my dream. 

I'm excited that now I can step fully into my dream job, make it actually happen and build my future reality and pivot - HARD. 

I'm excited that now I can connect with my real purpose and engaging with our community to uplift everyone. 

But, I have to start with me. 

I made the decision to resign. It did not come lightly. I will not go back into traditional education... For a time... Maybe ever. I need something more for now. 

And so do our students. 

Our students deserve better - always. 

And so -- I take my leave, bowing out, thankful for all the growth, the lessons and the people I met along the way. 

Follow us on Ōpōtiki Rangatahi Pā for our next adventure 💜

Crossroads

I'm feeling a whole lot of different paths laid out for me. 

I used to want to be a principal. Not anymore. 

I love teaching. I hate the adult politics. 

I love my students and enjoy learning with them.  But the amount of stress that comes from the sheer magnitude of the rigged education system, lack of resources, support and skill development is bonkers. 

I ask for support. It falls on deaf ears. 

I continue to seek help. 

Doesn't work. 

I'm just going to either find a new pathway that fits me, or fight til I'm literally burnt out. 

An emoji representation of my day

Thanks to Whaea Maude for this cool example of how to write about your day --

This is mine: 

Bro. Never have I ever needed a post like this before. 

First I went 🧡😍 and then I went 🫣🥱😫 and then 🫣🤨😮‍💨 and then 🤯🫡🥹🥰😃 and then 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 and then 🥰🤯🥰🤯🥰 and then 😍🙂😆🫣😤😌😃🙄🙄🙄😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨🥱🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🙄 and then 😮😲😖😵‍💫🫨😤😠😡🙄😡🫣🥱🤬😠😤🫣😑😌😃😁 and then 😮‍💨😫😭 and then 🙃🙂😂🤣😆 and then 🥰😍🥰😍😘🥰😍🥰😘🥰😍 and then 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

Reflection 2 -- Hard Day -- Y9s are awesome

I got a box of these yesterday and am so glad I did - even if just for the moment that came from my first lesson today 🧡 

If you're wondering what I used these for -- alphabet, digraphs, consonants, vowels, beginning blends and ending blends and heart words -- 

Pink -- vowels

Teal - digraphs

Blue - ending consonant blends

Yellow - beginning consonant blends

Red - heart words

I still need a purple colour though for the vowel sound blends that are tricky -- that can be part of the heart word problematic spelling situation

Let me preface this by saying my new Y9 students are FREAKING amazing. I think they're the best Y9's I've encountered in over 13 years of teaching. I may have a little bias 😂 #ManatuKids #TaitoaKids 🧡 #AurakiHard 🧡 (Love my #MauruaKids too! #BilingualismMatters)

So -- #storytime 😂 

We had an impromptu spelling test this morning, as all spelling tests should be 😂 and we discussed different spelling tricks and strategies. While doing this, one of the students kept asking how to spell one specific word -- I think it might have been racism or strategy or something - I'm not sure. 

Anyway! 

While saying the word - I signed it. And oh my life!! did one of my students absolutely LIGHT up 🧡🧡🧡

She signed it back and then buzzed out that I could sign (admittedly just bits and pieces) and was so stoked that I asked her to teach me more too. 

We had this cool little inside language, sharing it openly, normalising NZSL and talking about how others SHOULD know as it helps HEAPS. 

So -- just wanted to end my day on a really cool part because my days are peppered with these beautiful moments and rather than focus on the shitty parts -- I need to find the sunshine 🧡

Oh and this !! 

One of my students showed me his writing. This kid had written over 500 words in two writing block lessons. 500!! And had the gall to tell me it was repetitive and boring. No. Not at all. Like at all. After I finished going through his writing with him, giving feedback, teaching him stylistic tricks and just being in absolute AWE of this writing legend -- I addressed the comment he wrote at the bottom of his writing -- and we deleted it. Because no part of what he'd written was boring or repetitive. It was freaking amazing. 

I showed him the Speculative Fiction NZ website, the competitions for writing and Starling Mag. And gave him more feedforward to further improve his writing. Because I tell you now - this kid will be a published author one day.

But while I addressed his comment - I also talked about how absolutely proud of him I was. How incredible his writing style was and how truly descriptive and engaging his story was. I talked that kid up - just to him - not to make his ego bigger but to fill his heart and to stop hating on himself so much. Because I saw a little sliver of anxiety and fear that his writing would never be good enough. For who? No idea. But I felt that connection and need for empathy powered counselling that truly hit home. 

🧡 

I love teaching. I do. 

But I am exhausted of dealing with huge classes and no support. 

If you read this far and you're frustrated with me telling the truth? Best not check out my teaching blog from the past 13 years of teaching 😂 most of the past year or two there aren't many posts because #burnout and #survival 😂🤦🏻‍♀️😭 but I totally felt empowered today and I'm going to keep advocating for myself and my students. Because our kids are our taonga and they deserve nothing but the best. Even if I can't be the best for them right now -- I can do what I can in the meantime til we have the right supports and resourcing in place #BYODadvocate 🧡

Reflection 1 - Hard Day -- Y11s

Me pretending this is my peke 😂 me pretending I made it 😂 #occcwhanau 

Would straight up love to go back to my OG goal of being a kindy teacher, for real. 🧡 Am over the mad disrespect from SOME of our Opo teens right now. When I go to OCC I get soooo many waves, smiles and cuddles 🧡 the kids flock to me 🧡 sorry Riley 😂 

I think I need a break

#burnoutsucks Riding my third burnout wave like a boss 😂😂😂😂😭🤦🏻‍♀️😭

Context -- year 11s were awful today. Not all. Some. I had to do TWO yellow cards. I never have to do them. Well, hardly ever. 

And two today. And it helped calm the kids down. 

But that was after another kaiako in the building came to check on me and the escalating situation. 

And after silly behaviour from students

And after my awesome seniors had volunteered their time to come support with the analysis and be my teaching assistants/teacher aides. 

Because there is no funding available for Y11s. 

And I have to get these kids through literacy. 

And there is SO much pressure. 

And soon I'm going to be the only senior English teacher in our kura. 

And it's heartbreaking. 

Hopefully we get the right people applying so I can be freed up to teach the seniors or just the right people apply so I have support in the senior school....

A comment to my mate in DM -- 

Yes! Tika tena oi 😭🧡 it's so downheartening and just upsetting. Our kids need to sort their shit out. And it's not all of them. Just some. But at Y11 I'd expect our kids to be better by now. But I just need some help. 35 kids, all high needs, and just me. It's really really hard. I've reached out for support from SLT. Am just waiting to find some funding or other solutions -- like team teaching or having another body or two to support the kids while I do one on one where needed. Makes me so sad for all the kids who miss out on the help they need and then play up because they can't access the learning. And it's not their fault. They actually want to learn. But I can't keep spreading myself so thin 🧡

Reminders to Focus

#NCEArefresh - mini reflection

Mini reflection #NCEArefresh 

I've been pulling apart different articles, short stories and docos with my Y11s. For the majority of them - they're connecting with the ideas, learning how to identify the diff lang techniques quicker and becoming more confident when they get it wrong, to just try again. 

Am still having trouble with encouraging those who just don't want to engage ... But for now - I'm forging ahead with those majority who want to try. And it's pretty exciting. 

I've longed for this [actual teaching] for so long. Without the time constraints of assessment and management of the task etc - it's been really freeing to see our kids engage with texts, different levels of analysis and understanding.

#evolutionandimagination #burnoutcomeback