For much too long I've sat behind my screen, reading and learning and figuring out what needed to be said.
There has been so much going on for me in the past two years that it's taken a toll on overall everything I do.
I don't feel inspired. I don't feel myself. But then again, every day I'm trying to claw back what sense of self I do have.
Panic attacks, stress, possible burn out. It's been ever present.
There have been times this year when I've thought about giving up teaching. It's so so full on. The workload, the stress, the high stakes pressure for me and for the kids. The pain of every day working with teenagers going through inordinate amounts of stress, frustration and hurt. The pleasure of being able to laugh at myself and enjoy being myself in the company of my awesome students.
If it wasn't for my students this year, I honestly don't know whether I'd still be teaching.
This year we have had so much going on at school. So much going on in our country. So much going on in my own life and my family's life. It all just seemed too much at times.
Recently, I told two of my students off hand that I couldn't work with them all last period as I had my counselling appointment that I had to leave school early for. It turned out I didn't leave school as early as I thought I needed or at the time I was planning. But still. I told them.
And - there was no why. There was just pure acceptance.
My students got that I've been dealing with stuff.
I wonder whether they knew I'd been struggling to deal with it all for the past year or so. This past week was only my second session.
As someone who is always trying to model good mental health processes, like telling students to go the counsellor of needed or taking them to make an appointment or helping students through difficult situations - it's been an absolute blessing getting to this point of overwhelming need to see someone. Because I would have just kept struggling and trying to be all to everyone.
This need to be all encompassing is draining. I can't be Superwoman.
I can be me. And sometimes that means I am inspirational or supportive or caring. Other times I can just be there.
This past week showed me that I can take a step back. That I don't need to be so involved. That I can actually focus on what I need to focus on. I don't have to be so involved with everyone else's issues or trying to save everyone from destruction. Particularly if it comes to the point where I can't even save myself.
So. I am saving myself. Recognising that I need to take some time for myself. To recharge my batteries. To be me again.
I can't be the person I wanted to be when I first started teaching, if I burn out. I want to make real change in our schools. I can only do that if I do what's right for me.
Part of that is taking back my love for writing. I am going to try to get back into writing on here. At least once a week to start with.
My head has become a jungle of thoughts and I need to start releasing some of these out into the wild.
Miss you all so so much. Let's catch up soon.
- Alex
