Saturday, 11 April 2015


Probably the scariest thing in my life thus far - walking into my Nan's room to find a fantail flying around in circles.

Standing stock still I pleaded with it to leave. It perched on the curtain rail and looked down at me. As it flew back out the way it had come, through Nan's bedroom door and out through the back door - I fell to the ground in hysterical tears.

It makes me sick thinking about it because I was a complete mess for at least 20 minutes. It's bloody surprising that no-one came in to find me like that actually.

The tohu (sign) of the piwakawaka (fantail) in and of itself is enough. The warning I associated with it too was worrying as Nan still hadn't told me the results from the latest biopsy. She assures me that the results were nothing to worry about but it concerns me because the fantail does not come inside unless there is a reason.

At the same time my Gran was in and out of hospital and I didn't know until afterwards.

I've been back once since then and blew my top at my cousins who are living with Nan and who are not helping her around the house. If the tohu means what I think it may mean - those kids better bloody be there for her in the times to come.

If it turns out to be a different message  perhaps from my Grandfather that he is watching over her - as he was always the birdsman - that would be okay. I just don't know.

Having had just been sleeping on my Nan's bed ten minutes prior to finding the fantail it could have meant for me too.

I don't know.

What I do know is that messages come when you're ready to take them. And that... that concerns me most of all. Whatever may come... I have to be ready for it.